#pitchShredding: This God, I

2012-Jul-5 -> from the perfect-pitches department Tags: #pitchshredding 

The author of this pitch has appeared on here before, with the pitch for I Am Become Death. This is the pitch for the sequel to the book:

Damian Chillingworth, a telekinetic political extremist, has kidnapped his half-sister Michiko and plans to use her mind-controlling abilities to force his ideology on the world. Unfortunately for him, he crossed the electrokinetic superhero Chikara Kaminari, and now it's payback time. Joined by the empathic Renka and the dark-controlling Gen, Chikara journeys to the United States to rescue Michiko and foil Chillingworth's diabolical plot.

Along the way, Chikara and her friends encounter a dangerous cell of homegrown terrorists called RAMPAGE (Revolutionary American Militant Patriots Against Government Enslavement). This gathering of neo-nazis, white supremacists and anti-government fanatics will stop at nothing to bring down the public sector, and only the three heroes can stop them before their war on the state claims innocent lives.

The world's future hangs in the balance as Chillingworth gathers Earth's most powerful leaders to control them. The heroes race to stop him, but the conservative Chikara and the socialist Gen have very different definitions of the term "save the world." The three must put aside their disagreements and work together before America's most extreme ideologue tears the world apart.

This actually isn't too bad of a pitch, though I feel like the first paragraph has spilled most of the beans before I move on with the rest of it. I am, however, left with a few questions.

Why can these terrorists only be stopped by the three heroes? Could the military not get involved?

How is Damian planning on forcing his half-sister to do his bidding? Could she not just control his mind? Or is she already, and she's actually behind the attack to begin with? Am I over-thinking this?

I think mind control is a tough sell, because the person with the ability to control minds would be a very difficult opponent to stop, as the X-Men has illustrated. The only way Magneto could avoid Professor Xavier's mind control ability was by wearing a special helmet that blocked the ability. I hope this author has explored this, and come up with reasonable answers.

I don't think the acronym RAMPAGE needs to be spelled out like that in the pitch. Just call them Rampage, and worry about the details later. Over-explaining something like this leads to reader fatigue.

I like that the heroes' own political views come into play as well. It makes this feel a little more real.

Discussion

Do you think pitching a sequel is a good idea?

Is there enough information in this pitch to understand the story without knowing the first book?

If a pitch/blurb raises this many questions for you, does it make you want to read the book more? Or less? Why?

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2 Comments:


By Julianna on Fri 6 Jul 2012 01:34:46 am [ Reply ] Overall, this seems pretty good. I agree with Thomas' comments above. Here's your pitch with my suggestions included:

Damian Chillingworth, telekinetic political extremist, kidnapped his half-sister Michiko and plans to use her mind-controlling abilities to force his ideology on the world. Unfortunately for him, he's crossed paths with electrokinetic superhero Chikara Kaminari. Joined by the empathic Renka and the dark-controlling Gen, Chikara journeys to the United States to rescue Michiko and foil Chillingworth's plot.

Along the way, Chikara and her friends encounter a dangerous cell of homegrown terrorists. RAMPAGE - a gathering of neo-nazis, white supremacists and anti-government fanatics - will stop at nothing to bring down the public sector.

The world's future hangs in the balance as the heroes race time to try and stop both Chillingworth and RAMPAGE, but the conservative Chikara and the socialist Gen have very different definitions of the term "save the world." The three heroes must find a way to work together if they're to succeed in stopping America's most extreme ideologue before he tears the world apart.

I am not sure how RAMPAGE and Chillingworth interconnect, but I would bring more of that into the third paragraph if possible.

Best of luck!
Julianna

By Jenny Milchman on Sat 7 Jul 2012 11:58:18 am [ Reply ] My biggest concern is the number of names (including acronyms). Agents/readers will get lost with so many. The rule of thumb is to name 2--3 at the most--characters in a pitch.

To me this read as if it were a standalone. Am I missing something in the pitch that says it's a sequel?

It's an interesting idea for a book. Good luck!

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